


A worse threat than Care Bears

by isabeau, Miriam (isabeau)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, Really old fic (pre-2000)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-01
Updated: 2000-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-18 07:26:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabeau/pseuds/isabeau, https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabeau/pseuds/Miriam





	A worse threat than Care Bears

_"He's like a Care Bear. With fangs." -Cordelia, "Halloween"_

"So she still doesn't know?"  
"About Angel? 'Course not."  
"She's so _dense_."  
"Willow..."  
"It's true! I mean, how many times have we dropped hints?"  
"Or, for that matter, told her outright. Willow, of course she's dense.  
She's Cordelia."  
"I know. It's just...I can't believe she doesn't realize--"  
"Realize what?"  
"Nothing, Cordelia."  
"Nothing, Cordelia."  
"Willow, how do I look?"  
"I dunno, you look kind of like something the cat dragged in."  
"I wasn't asking _you_."  
"You look fine, Buffy. Let's go."

"Hi, Angel."  
"Cordelia."  
"Waiting for Buffy again?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"She's not here."  
"Uh-huh."  
"I am."  
"Uh-huh."  
"Want something to drink?"  
"Nope."  
"I can get it."  
"..."  
"Really, I don't mind."  
"Cordelia?"  
"Yes?"  
"Go away. Hey, Buffy."  
"Hey, Angel."  
"...what am I, chopped liver?"

"You really need to teach that Angel of yours some manners."  
"Manners?"  
"Yeah. He keeps ignoring me."  
" _Can't_ imagine why."  
"I mean, every time I--"  
"Cordelia."  
"I wasn't finished."  
"Cordelia!"  
"...yes?"  
"Angel's mine, okay?"  
"Right, just like he's a vampire."  
"Exactly. He's a vampire, and he's mine. Get your own."

"Angel!"  
"Go away."  
"You know, Angel--"  
"Hey, Buffy. Let's go."  
"...hey, Angel. Bye, Cordelia."

"Isn't it disgusting?"  
"Yeah."  
"Public displays of..."  
"Groping?"  
"Something like that."  
"Horrid. And you know, she has this thing where she thinks he's a  
vampire."  
"A vampire."  
"Yeah. Weird, huh?"  
"So do you think I'm a vampire?"  
"Puh-leeze. Of course not. And don't laugh at me; _I_ 'm not the one with  
silly delusions."  
"I wasn't laughing. At you."  
"Okay. Do I know you?"  
"Don't think so, why?"  
"Nothing...you just looked like someone that tried to kill me."  
"Kill you?"  
"Never mind. What's your name?"  
"Spike."  
"Suits you. Can I buy you a drink?"

"I met a guy last night."  
"I'm proud of you, Cordelia. I met a guy, too. His name's Angel."  
"I'm not talking about Angel."  
"I am. And you know, it's funny...it looked like you were drooling on  
him."  
"You aren't even listening to me, are you, Buffy?"  
"Did you say something?"  
" _Very_ funny."  
"So this guy you met...will that keep your hands off Angel?"  
"For a while. He's tall, and blonde-- peroxide-blonde-- and _so_  
gorgeous."  
"Down, girl. You'll get drool in your history textbook."  
"And he's all mine...which means you can't have him. Not that he'd want  
you."  
"Of course not. So what's this hunk's name?"  
"Spike."  
"...did you say Spike?"  
"Yeah."  
"Thought so."  
"I know, it's not really a romantic name...but then again, neither is  
Angel."  
"Bite me. You know, you really do have incredible luck..."  
"Oh?"  
"Yeah. Spike's a vampire too."  
"...I _wish_ she wouldn't get all jealous on me...!"

"Spike?"  
"Yes, love?"  
"Buffy keeps saying you're a vampire. Could you get her to shut up?"  
"Dunno. Tricky, that...Slayers like to talk."  
"I've noticed. I mean, all she does is talk, on and on and on and on, and  
most of it's about her precious Angel-- 'Angel did this', 'Angel did  
that', 'Angel and I made out in the graveyard for four hours because we  
didn't see any vampires to kill'-- I mean, God, of _course_ she won't see  
vampires if she's busy groping Angel--"  
"Cordelia."  
"--why does everyone say my name like it means 'shut up'? I don't talk  
 _that_ much."  
"Cordelia, I think--"  
"Spike, you talk too much. Shut up and kiss me."

"So, what's it like kissing a vampire?"  
"Ask Buffy, not me. Spike's--"  
"A vampire. And you've kissed him."  
"Look, would you quit with the vampire thing?"  
"Oh, right, sorry. Enjoy your fantasy world, Cordelia."

"We've got a problem."  
"Problem? I can help. Does it involve cute guys?"  
"You're _so_ shallow, Cordelia."  
"Actually, it involves something-- worse."  
"Worse as in vampires?"  
"Huh. What could Care Bears do? Even if they do need to file their  
teeth?"  
"Although Cordelia is a little, ah, exaggerating the harmlessness of  
vampires...it is worse."  
"Uh-oh."  
"So what is it?"  
"You'd better be sitting down first..."

"Spike?"  
"Yes, love?"  
"We've got a problem. Want to help?"  
"Oh, I don't know..."  
"I'll make out with you afterwards."  
"Okay. Does it involve Angel?"  
" _Please_. Of course not. He is _such_ a loser."  
"Yeah. He's also my sire."  
"Your what?"  
"Father."  
"..."  
"Adopted."  
"Oh. 'Cause he might be older than he looks, but he's not _that_ much  
older..."  
"He's also a prick."  
"Agreed."  
"So what's the problem, then?"

"You brought Spike to help?"  
"You brought Angel."  
"Whatever. You boys ready to vamp out?"  
"I can't believe I'm doing this."  
"I can't believe you're doing this either, Spike."  
"Shut up."  
"He's coming, guys. Ready?"  
"Ready."  
"Ready."  
"Ready."  
"Charge!"

"Is that it?"  
"It looks harmless..."  
"Big, but harmless."  
"Wait 'til it sings."  
"Sings?"  
"I love you...you love me..."  
"Eep."  
"Guys, attack!"  
"...we're a happy family..."  
"Is this thing unkillable?"  
"Bloody hell."  
"I hope not."  
"...with a greaaarrrghhh"  
"Is it dead?"  
"Maybe..."  
"...i love youuurgghhhhh"  
"God, that's _disgusting_."  
"Thanks for your help."  
"Where do we get rid of the body?"  
"That's your job, guys."  
"And yours is to stand around and look pretty, Cordelia?"  
"Something like that. Spike, let's...geez, what happened to your face?"  
"Reality strikes."  
"Reality _bites_."  
"...ewwww..."  
"Do you think she gets it yet?"  
"Doubt it."


End file.
